Monday, November 9, 2009

FUCK : I'm pregnant

I had not had my period since two weeks before Sam and I made love for the first time. I was more than certain that I was pregnant and I broke the news to Sam on our romantic weekend away.
He was in denial and didn't want to believe it.
On the friday night we forgot about everything else but each other and the love making was lovely when we got into bed, and again in the morning when we woke.
It felt so natural to sleep together and wake up in each others arms. Bliss.

We talked more about the possibility that I might be pregnant, and we did not want to believe we could be so unlucky on our first time.


Sam would not take the news seriously until I had it confirmed by a doctor.
I think he thought I must have just mucked up my dates or that the excitement had simply made me late.
I already had a booking with a doctor for the following week that I had made, to go and see about getting a prescription for the pill.
Sam said to get the doctor to do a test and let him know.

The test came back positive. I cried. Fear. How would I tell my parents. They would be devastated. It would bring shame on the family.

My fatalistic nature told me that it was all going to be ok in the long run, Sam and I would get married and have kids, it was just going to be a bit sooner than I expected.
But Sam had never told me he loved me, it was just the look I saw in his eyes that told me that.
We had never discussed the future. It just seemed to me that it was meant to be, and I ran with that thought. Had done for the past 4 years almost.

I rang Sam when I got the results. He was calm and told me that he would come and see me after work later in the week.

We went out to dinner.

Sam said he could not marry me.
He did not love me enough. OH SHIT. NO.
I did not want to beleive what I was hearing. I went into denial.
I Went along with everything he was saying, hoping that when he got used to the idea, everything would be alright.
He told me I was too young, far to young to be tied down with a baby. He had asked his sister how one goes about getting a termination. That thought had never crossed my mind .

I felt like I was in a bad dream and just wanted to wake up out of it. When Sam dropped me at my flat, we sat in the car and kissed for ages like we normally do. He got out, like he normally does and came around and opened my car door for me. Always the gentleman. I was so confused and numb.

I told my flatmate Susie what was going on, but she had no words to reassure me. I was like a walking zombie for the next few days. Then, incredibly, I woke up one morning and I was miscarrying. I lost the baby. Sam came and saw me in the hospital and was his usual loving self. I was grieving for the loss of innocence in our relationship, I wasn't yet 17. I was too young to be going thru all this stuff. It scared me.

I continued to see Sam for the next few months but we never again had sex.

I was now on the pill, but he was too freaked by what had happened and was scared of it happening again.
We continued on like we had before, playing tennis on weekends, him coming to the city and meeting me for lunch occasionally.
Sam started saying things like "You are too young to be tied down" "You should get out and enjoy life" I didn't want to, I wanted only him and the life I had painted for myself with him.
We had never had a fight, but he seemed to develop a hang up with our age difference. I think the pregnancy had made him realise that I was actually too young for the life I was living.

I felt hurt and rejected.

We were still plodding along like we had in the early days and I was grieving for what might have been.
In the end he was so insistant that I needed to get out more and experience life.

So thats what I ended up doing. At the time I just thought that I HAD to do this for him. To get out, experience more of life, and then when I had grown up, we would get back together and live happily ever after.
I hung onto that thought for some time but on the other hand I was very very hurt and dejected. And MAD.

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